The Garden In My Heart (or not)

If you ever look at a happy photo of the Ostrands and think to yourself, “Wow they have it together...what a nice family!”

I urge you to think again (although it is possible that Karl may have it all together, and I can confirm he is really quite nice).

I am, unfortunately, sure that I may have it only “somewhat together” 9% of the time and am not actually all that nice.

So let me back up.

Around Christmas time every year we choose our “Destiny Words" (email me if you are interested in the details on how these "Destiny Words" are selected at julie@karlandjulie.com)

Essentially this is literally a word (usually a single word) we feel is from the Lord for us for the next year. It’s a “handle bar word” – something we hang on to when all else seems to be falling apart.

Last year I got the word FLOW.

I have to say...this word carried me through 2013.  There were many times that I struggled. Struggled is putting it mildly.

It was hard to leave Africa – especially my house!  We were renting it...but still...it was my first house  (we had been in apartments before that) and I really loved it. We didn’t know how long we would be back in America so we gave up the lease.

We left our ministry, our amazing community, our life.

Going back to the US was hard but good.  Better than good – it was exactly right.  We lived with Karl’s parents, and I realized I had a lot to learn from Karl’s mom.

Often times I feel stressed or rushed or overwhelmed and my words to my family come out harsh or impatient.  The other day we were rushing around trying to get the girls out the door for school, and I was ALLEGEDLY barking orders.  

Karl said, “Julie, you are actually shouting at all of us right now.  It’s not helpful.” (of course he says this very calmly and nicely – Aaaaaa!”)

Inside I thought, “How is this not helpful?  I am being loud enough for all to hear and clear enough for all to understand.”

Apparently that’s not the definition of helpful and no one appreciates a screaming, slightly hysterical mother (is there any such thing as “slightly hysterical?”).

So...living with Karl’s mother for 8 months, I was awed at how her words where never impatient or rude – despite her own difficult circumstances, exhaustion or pain levels.  She definitely does not bark orders at anyone! I really want to be more like that.  If I could just take these sharp corners off my words!  Joan was such a great example of amazing character in every day life (when no one is watching but your family who is forced to put up with you).

So back to FLOW. 

There were quite a few times I was fighting my circumstances in 2013, and I really felt to the Lord say to me, “Go with My FLOW.”  It helped me relax.  It gave me a plan of action (Lord knows I love a good plan of action).  Often times when I was on the verge of some epic meltdown, the Lord would gently bring me back to FLOW.

FLOW means “move along or out steadily and continuously in a current or stream.”

So that’s what I did. I focused on FLOW...moving in the stream of the moment and not fighting against the current of circumstances I did not prefer.

Now this year I got GARDEN.

This was exciting!  I thought...2013 was tough.  Moving back to America and living a perpetual temporary state of life, the miscarriage, the skin cancer.  Yes, Lord I am ready for my GARDEN!  Bring on the peace, flowers and sunny days! That sounds just right!

And I could picture it.  I would land in Africa, and the Lord would show us immediately the perfect house to rent in just the right location.  It would be like an oasis for my heart.  

As a woman, a house to call her own is a big deal, and I haven’t had a house since last April.  Surely God knew this was my biggest need! Surely this is what he meant by GARDEN!  Obviously he would take me straight to the GARDEN of my physical surroundings.

Kinda. It was just kinda like that.  Except more like exactly the opposite.

When we landed in Africa at the beginning of January, we had amazing friends who graciously offered to let us stay at their house for our first week.  Plenty of time I thought!  Surely God will provide a house quickly.  My GARDEN is just waiting for me!

One week turned into two...which turned into three. No house to move into. Many nights we slept with 4 of us in a bed.

Our family’s immunity was pretty low from the stress of travel, and we seemed to catch everything possible.  We had the flu (the “both ends” kind of flu), upper respiratory infection, horrible coughing, lice, worms, severe eczema.  Jensen was so sick she was talking crazy about pigs on the ceiling and just wanting a little cloud.  I was terrified her brain had spilled out a few marbles I was never going to find again.

Adi's eczema (on her cheeks, arms, legs, abdomen, etc.)

You name it...we caught it...and then much to my horror we shared it with our friends who were hosting us. My worst nightmare!  Soon my sweet friend, her husband and baby were sick as dogs.

We tried to find another place, but every temporary rental place was full.

And the houses!  The first one we toured the day after we landed.  It was perfect!  My Garden!

We had a great reference and our finances were in order – but they chose another family.  And the second house was even better!  We even signed a lease and when our agent went to have the owner sign it too, she reneged on her verbal agreement and decided to pick someone else who could pay a little more.

My heart broke into a million pieces and I inwardly screamed “Where is the GARDEN you promised me??!?”

When I asked the Lord about it, I felt He was saying, “First I want to cultivate a GARDEN in your heart, not contingent on your exterior circumstances.”

“Oh,” I thought. “Oh dear.  That’s not what I had in mind at all.  Could I have another word please?”

I’ve had various moments of utter disappointment and outright anger.

Karl said to me last night, “Do you think God owes you?”

I said, “Yes!!!”

And I had to admit I felt owed.  Owed a break from all the transition and chaos when I really feel I am asking for what seems to be so little.  Just one little house to settle my precious family.  I moved to Africa.  Wasn’t that enough?

It is SO much transition.  Unpacking and repacking and unpacking again our entire lives while we move back and forth between friends’ houses and dorm-style guest houses.

It’s hard to put into words the frustration of sleeping small children in a different place all the time while you can’t quite ever find anything.  

Most of the time I’m just wandering around digging through suitcases trying to find scotch tape or a toy or some sanity.

I gotta say. I’m ready for some pleasant exterior circumstances.

But he wants to do MORE.

So much more.  It’s the “more” that always gets me.

And then I realized...does it really count if I turn back into a nicer person once I have my house and my car and my girls schedules aren’t in chaos? Once my life is “in order?”

I read about some amazing guy in a concentration camp who was so nice to everyone and all the people loved him and how he took care of everyone and was so unselfish and blah blah blah. (His story is actually incredible...read it here)

So I kept telling myself...”Hey – this is much better than a concentration camp. Why can’t I at least be 10% nicer??  I can do that!” 

The problem is I really can’t.  I love efficiency and organization with my whole heart and my life is the exact opposite of efficient and organized.

So I can’t but I know the One in me can.  I’m choosing to embrace this Gardner who keeps pruning me. I’m not a fan – I gotta be honest.  But I SO want that GARDEN IN MY HEART.  Isn’t there another way that doesn’t involve cutting off these huge branches I have grown to love?

As I begin to accept this, today we signed a lease for a house we can move into March 1^st.  There are not words for how thankful I am.

And He is showing me I need to expand the GARDEN.  The overflow of my GARDEN HEART will be building a GARDEN HOME for my girls.  I’m not sure I really know how to do this!

Now if you want me to help you start a business, or create a marketing plan, build your web site, or run your project.  Great!  I love every second of it.  But if you ask me to bake a casserole or teach my child to read I am horrified and petrified.

What I love about the community here are there are so many people who will give you words from the Lord specifically for your moment...your pain...your situation.  The words of my friends all seemed to echo the Lord's whispers to me.

One women told me this week, “Julie, your children are your priority.  Once they are 12 years old...most of your work and your influence is done.  Now is the key time with your children.”

Another friend said, “Julie...embrace your circumstances.  Don’t fight this. The Lord wants to do something new in your heart.”

Someone else said, “The Israelites were eager to thank God ONCE THEY CROSSED the Red Sea onto dry land.  But, Julie, God wants us to thank him now...on THIS side of the river.”

Huh!

So thankfully the Lord does not let my terror stop his GARDEN PLANS.  He prunes and He clips and He hacks it off.  Oh how He hacks it off!

As I step into embracing this I asked the Gardener to download his GARDEN PLANS for a GARDEN HOME for my girls (since I really have no idea how to do this).

For Jensen I feel He is saying...

•      MAMA TIME: Set aside one afternoon a week just for “Mama Jensen Time” and do something simple like bake cookies, or plant a real garden or do art. 
• 
  
•      TUCK IN: At night I tend to do the “Speed Tuck In” – which is about a 5 minute process of brushing teeth and saying prayers.  This mom is eager to get off the clock! But I feel him saying that this is the key time of day to pour into her. So when I tuck her in at night...I’m going to rub her feet with oils and take 20 minutes to chat about her day, de-brief the hard stuff and pray with her. I distinctly remember how my own mother would tuck me in every night and ask me about my day...praying me through all the hard stuff (friend problems, teacher difficulty, insecurities, etc.).

Me and mom (when I was about Jensen's age)

•       BIBLE: Reading one small story from the “Storybook Bible” at breakfast or dinner to the family.

For Emme I feel He is saying...

•       GOD TIME: Set aside one time a week to take her to All Nations Furnace – a time of prayer and worship.  Emme loves worship and since we would be praying that one day she would have a healing ministry – to start now with teaching her how to pray for others. 
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•       TUCK IN: During Jensen’s tuck-in, Karl wants to be with Emme and Adi listening to worship music.

Daddy and his girls

•        BIBLE: At night while she sleeps we would like to play a full audio recording of the whole Bible (a little bit at a time).  Although Emme’s mind may not fully absorb all the concepts, we really believe these truths can sink deep into her spirit.

So this is my GARDEN PLAN.  It may take some time to move all of these areas into being every day habits...but this is what we will work toward.

For 2014 I was expecting to walk into an oasis FOR my heart...but instead He is building an oasis IN my heart.  I want to be a person not so dependent on my current circumstances to make me nice and happy and pleasant to be around.

Oh Lord! Do you your work!  And quickly for the sake of others!

Miscarriage and Cancer - Opening My Hand

Well…it’s been a roller coaster.  In the past few weeks I turned 40, found out I have skin cancer and experienced the miscarriage of our 4^th child.

I am learning how to open my hand to the gifts He gives - to see them as gifts...even when I don't like the wrapping paper.

Please watch this VLOG (video blog) for some VERY HONEST talk – the pain and the joy of this loss.  I share about what it was like to experience a miscarriage, how we have celebrated his life and other "gifts" I was not willing to see as "gifts."

Also, we felt our child was a boy and named him David Paul.  We had a memorial service for him on November 2, 2013 and asked our family to join us. Here here are some things each person shared:

For David Paul: A Poem From Mama

Every night

I spoke to you in hope

Cradled dreams

A life without scope

I loved every finger

Each tiny toe

Your heart was beating

So fast...then too slow

I carried you

Wrapped in the darkness of my womb

But now He carries me

You're wrapped in the lightness of heaven's room

I know your smile

And see your face

The road seems long

But I feel His grace

My true joy

Is in the empty tomb

Death has not won

We will meet soon

So Good Bye for now

My David Paul

The pain is deep

But this is not all

A thousand years

From this Day

We'll sit on that celestial shore

And marvel at His Perfect Way

- Your mama

Scripture from your father

A note from your sister Jensen

Thoughts sent from my brother and his family (living in the Middle East)

Jaden: I know you will be waiting in heaven to meet all of us. We can't wait to meet you.

Jett: I think you would have been a wonderful boy and I would have been your friend.

Ava: The Lord loves you and your baby. You will have a great time in heaven. I'll see you there later.

Alea: I will hold you in heaven.

A Letter from Aunt Erin:

Dear David Paul, 

These days I find myself getting through the day by imaging what heaven will be like. Lately, I've been imagining what it will be like to have our entire family together ...in heaven...with no goodbyes. Goodbyes are my least favorite. I can't wait to all be together, as one family, in heaven, never again needing to say goodbye. 

I can't wait to meet you and learn about your personality. Please know that you are so loved. We will have many adventures together! It's very special to know you are in heaven waiting for your family to arrive. We love you so much and can't wait for the day when we are united for eternity.

Love you!

Aunt Erin 

Psalm for David (written by Uncle Ken)

The Lord is my guide, my storyteller,

Who helps man to see in the dark,

Who gives understanding in chaos,

Peace, in the valley of the shadow,

He paints His wonders on the Earth,

Making beauty from dust,

And glory from the void.

He lifts my spirit with His Spirit,

From the womb He bore me,

Up on the wings of Eagles I flew,

He carried me from the land of the living,

To the Kingdom of warming light,

Where men dream Gods' dreams,

And walk once again in the cool of the day,

Unafraid, while the dew is till on the roses. 

He places his arms around me, in His lap,

On His knee I sit, still with awe and wonder,

Listening to His Great Story, and,

Waiting for end of the age,

When I will see them, hear them, hold them,

My dear ones, the Lord's anointed,

Face to face.

- Uncle Ken

A letter from my father (Bompa)

A letter from my mother (Grammy)

Scriptures from Karl’s mother (Mimi)

Scriptures from Karl’s father (Ppop)

We put everyone’s letter – along with our precious baby in a tiny casket Jensen decorated – in this jar and buried him in my parent’s back yard.

We love you, David Paul!

Motherhood – the good, the bad, the ugly

Here is my tell-all about real Ostrand life with three fabulous little girls.

THE GOOD

It’s true...my life is exhausting. Probably not any more than another mother in this stage...but let me just say I LOVE our 7 pm bedtimes for all 3 girls!  You heard that right (6:45 on occasion...don’t judge me!).

My current highlights:

Adison Rose (17 months) - is more active and more “into everything” and more “I need my mother now” than my other children two combined. Oh my soul!

She’s a little thing but has some serious dance moves - click here to see the video

ADI ROSE- SHORT VIDEO CLIPS (click below title to view):

Saying Hello

First Steps

Just wants to Shop

First Hair Cut

Emme (5 years) – her favorite phrase that she must say at least 40 times a day is “I need help.” (we are so proud she has a 3 word sentence now!).  

She knows about 200 signs with words and loves to choose someone to “teach signs” to.  She will carefully select a person, climb up on their lap, and start by signing “friend.”  She also loves to sing but does NOT want...

1) for you to sing along with her - don’t think it’s your voice – she only likes her own or a professionals - or maybe it IS your voice :-) 

2) you to video her singing (this always ends in “No! No! No!)

EMME - SHORT VIDEO CLIPS (click below title to view):

Singing (No! No!No!)

Dancing in the Mirror at Old Navy

The Pushing Game

Jensen (7 years) – Lost her first tooth, loves riding the “special needs” bus with her sister to school and has decided she will stay in America while we go back to Africa.

 I said, “But darling...won’t you miss your mother?”  She said, “Don’t worry mom...I can write you letters!” (when has she ever written a letter in her life?)

JENSEN - SHORT VIDEO CLIPS (click below title to view):

Swinging  and Singing

Cousin time

THE BAD

Sometimes hard things happen to our kids. No one wants to play with them at recess, the teacher scolded them, they didn’t get invited to the birthday party, their friend didn’t want to play the same game they did, they tried their best but still failed the test, etc.

As moms...we wonder how we can comfort our kids – while at the same time speaking truth about how they can overcome this particular challenge.

I heard about a technique that works well for war veterans who are victims of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), but can work for anyone who has gone through something difficult. It’s called “mirroring neutrons.” I tried it on Jensen and was amazed!  (Source: Sapphire Leadership Group’s PTSD – Restoring Dignity and Hope )

The concept is that someone who has gone through a similar difficulty and overcome it...can actually help you build new pathways in your brain to overcome your pain – in ways that you could not accomplish on your own!

The chemistry in your brain can actually change – pulling you out of PTSD faster – or helping your 7 year old de-tangle new emotions about having a sister with Down syndrome.

Here’s an example and steps...

          1.  You are war veteran severely depressed because you lost your leg

          2. Find a person  willing to sit down with you for coffee who has experienced a severe loss and overcome the pain. This could be anyone – the loss does not need to be similar and does not need to be someone you know really well (just need someone willing to help you out!).  For example, it could be a mom in MAD (Mother’s Against Drunk Driving) who lost her teenage son 10 years ago and has worked through that loss.

          3.  Tell your story about the loss of your leg until you feel she has connected with your pain and understood your feelings on a deep level

          4. Listen to her story of loss and hear how she worked through her feelings and overcame her pain. Look her in the eye and connect with her emotions and story.

As simple as that sounds...it works!

So I tried it!  Jensen came to me a few weeks ago, distraught for the first time about having a sister with Down syndrome.  

There are so many great things about Emme – that I don’t think Jensen was ever faced with something that deeply bothered her about it. She had been hanging out with her cousin Ava (her age) and noticed how easy it was to talk and communicate with her younger sister (3 year old Alea).  Jensen was shocked to see how someone else’s little sister, Alea, could so easily communicate, play house or even hold hands and skip across the street.

Jensen and Emme play so well together – that I often forget how different it is for Jensen than playing with other typical kids.

VIDEO: Jensen wrestling with Emme (click to view)

Jensen tearfully said that night, “But mom!  Emme can’t talk to me and it’s hard to play games together.  She doesn't understand me!”

I listened to everything Jensen had to say and encouraged her tell me more – until I felt sure Jensen sensed I really understood her pain.

I didn't try to change the subject, or tell her to get over it or look on the bright side.

Then, when she had told me everything, for the first time I told her my story of when Emme was born.

I said, “Jensen, when I had Emme in my tummy...we didn't know she had Down syndrome.  We were so excited to meet our baby girl!  The doctor seemed concerned that she was small, but mama wasn't worried.  I thought those doctors were being silly (those doctors were actually close to labeling me “non-compliant” in my medical file because I really did think they were being way too dramatic)! 

Then they had to take her out so fast by cutting open my tummy a whole month early...because her heart wasn't working so good.  The nurse told daddy that she had Down syndrome.  Daddy was so surprised he almost fainted!  One of Emme’s legs was as white as paper and the cord was wrapped around her neck three times.  We were worried!

When mommy was in the recovery room waiting to see Emme, she told her nurse (good friend Sara Nylin). “I’m just worried the kids at school will make fun of her!” Then I cried really hard! I was so sad!

That night I was in the NICU – a special place for babies who need nurses to take care of them.  I was sitting by Emme’s little bed and I felt Jesus come over sit beside me.  With an excited smile he said, “How do you like your gift?”  And from that moment on....I knew that no matter what happened and even it was going to be hard – Emme would always be an amazing gift to our family.”

Jensen listened carefully to my whole story and asked a few questions.  But I could tell it resounded with her spirit.

My take-away for moms?  I guess this is what we moms have always known - but now science confirms it. When your child comes to you with deep pain – listen well to every detail.  Make them feel understood. Then reach back and tell them your story.  Be honest with how you felt with a similar pain and how you overcame it. You will physically change your child's brain’s ability to deal with life that can be harsh!

THE UGLY (3 CONFESSIONS)

Confession #1: It’s true. Adison Rose broke her leg and it’s entirely my fault due to a should-definitely-know-better-rookie-mistake. 

I wish I had a better story.  I was changing her diaper and I could hear Jensen in the other room, screaming and on the verge of waking up my friend’s sleeping son (in my book – nothing is worse than waking a happily sleeping baby...except now maybe breaking a baby’s leg. Doh!)

Without thinking, I ran to the door of the room and yelled, “Jensen! Quiet!” In that 5 second time period, Adi rolled off the edge and landed with a thud on the carpeted floor.

She only cried for a few moments, and I counted myself very lucky she was OK.  However...the next day...when she still wouldn’t let me put her down without screeching in horror, we knew was something was wrong.  The doctor confirmed our fears...a broken leg.  She was in a hot pink cast for 3 weeks and walked around quite enthusiastically...thumping her little cast as she trotted along like a pirate.  She’s unstoppable!

The worst part?  Everywhere we would go people would wonder (and often ask) what happened.  Of course I had to confess and relive the shame of some serious shady parenting

Click here to see a video of our little “pirate girl” hobbling around on her “peg leg"

Confession #2: None of my girls drink milk.  Not whole...not 2%...not skim.  Shhhh!  I tried at first with all of them...making way too chocolately milk several times a day for Jensen.  It was more like chocolate syrup with a dash of milk.

After one or two pathetic attempts with Adi – I switched to a no sugar veg/fruit juice with flax seed oil added (for the fats that are supposed to help with baby brain development).  Many people are disturbed by this.  I used to be a tall-glass-of-milk-with-every-meal kind of girl till I realized dairy could kill you.  Despite my secretly held beliefs in the perils of dairy, it’s  very embarrassing when Jensen goes to her friends houses and proudly informs them, “I don’t drink milk.  My mom says it’s bad for you.”

What kind of mother could think milk was bad for you? Obviously the kind who lets her baby break her leg!

Confession #3: My kid is the one who told your kid there is no Santa Clause.

In my defense...we decided to go with the whole Santa Clause thing and it was quite fun for a few years.  Then last year out of the blue (and no where near the Christmas season), Jensen says to me, “Is Santa Clause real?” I say, “What do you think?” She says, “Yes!” I say, “Well there you go!” “Is he really, mom?” And this went back and forth for some time.

Then she says that same afternoon, “Is Jesus real?”

Now I had a problem.  There are some serious similarities between Santa and Jesus in the mind of a 6 year old.

1). You can’t see them

2)  Both have important roles at Christmas

3) Both “can see you when you’re sleeping...know when you’re awake...see if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!”

She was connecting the two and I honestly didn’t want her questioning Jesus.  So I told her the truth...quickly to follow was the fall of princesses, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

I’ve made her promise not to tell a soul and I’ve seen her play along with the fun in front of her friends.  But let me say it now...I’m so sorry if she tells your kid!  I have become THAT mom!