Thursday, November 7, 2013

Miscarriage and Cancer - Opening My Hand

Well…it’s been a roller coaster.  In the past few weeks I turned 40, found out I have skin cancer and experienced the miscarriage of our 4th child.

I am learning how to open my hand to the gifts He gives - to see them as gifts...even when I don't like the wrapping paper.

Please watch this VLOG (video blog) for some VERY HONEST talk – the pain and the joy of this loss.  I share about what it was like to experience a miscarriage, how we have celebrated his life and other "gifts" I was not willing to see as "gifts."

Also, we felt our child was a boy and named him David Paul.  We had a memorial service for him on November 2, 2013 and asked our family to join us. Here here are some things each person shared:

For David Paul: A Poem From Mama

Every night
I spoke to you in hope
Cradled dreams
A life without scope

I loved every finger
Each tiny toe
Your heart was beating
So fast...then too slow

I carried you
Wrapped in the darkness of my womb
But now He carries me
You're wrapped in the lightness of heaven's room

I know your smile
And see your face
The road seems long
But I feel His grace

My true joy
Is in the empty tomb
Death has not won
We will meet soon

So Good Bye for now
My David Paul
The pain is deep
But this is not all

A thousand years
From this Day
We'll sit on that celestial shore
And marvel at His Perfect Way

- Your mama

Scripture from your father

A note from your sister Jensen

Thoughts sent from my brother and his family (living in the Middle East)

Jaden: I know you will be waiting in heaven to meet all of us. We can't wait to meet you.

Jett: I think you would have been a wonderful boy and I would have been your friend.

Ava: The Lord loves you and your baby. You will have a great time in heaven. I'll see you there later.

Alea: I will hold you in heaven.

A Letter from Aunt Erin:

Dear David Paul, 

These days I find myself getting through the day by imaging what heaven will be like. Lately, I've been imagining what it will be like to have our entire family together heaven...with no goodbyes. Goodbyes are my least favorite. I can't wait to all be together, as one family, in heaven, never again needing to say goodbye. 

I can't wait to meet you and learn about your personality. Please know that you are so loved. We will have many adventures together! It's very special to know you are in heaven waiting for your family to arrive. We love you so much and can't wait for the day when we are united for eternity.

Love you!
Aunt Erin 

Psalm for David (written by Uncle Ken)

The Lord is my guide, my storyteller,
Who helps man to see in the dark,
Who gives understanding in chaos,
Peace, in the valley of the shadow,
He paints His wonders on the Earth,
Making beauty from dust,
And glory from the void.
He lifts my spirit with His Spirit,
From the womb He bore me,
Up on the wings of Eagles I flew,
He carried me from the land of the living,
To the Kingdom of warming light,
Where men dream Gods' dreams,
And walk once again in the cool of the day,
Unafraid, while the dew is till on the roses. 
He places his arms around me, in His lap,
On His knee I sit, still with awe and wonder,
Listening to His Great Story, and,
Waiting for end of the age,
When I will see them, hear them, hold them,
My dear ones, the Lord's anointed,
Face to face.

- Uncle Ken

A letter from my father (Bompa)

A letter from my mother (Grammy)

Scriptures from Karl’s mother (Mimi)

Scriptures from Karl’s father (Ppop)

We put everyone’s letter – along with our precious baby in a tiny casket Jensen decorated – in this jar and buried him in my parent’s back yard.

We love you, David Paul!