Fear Itself

I've compiled a list of my Ultimate Fears.

And while I was at it - I thought I'd go ahead and tally up my "general fears" and "every day fears." Why not be specific, I say?

I am speaking at an upcoming retreat at our church and the topic is fear.

At first I thought - this is great - I'm not an especially fearful person. I have so much great advice to offer! Ha! I often wonder at the fact that I don't know myself better.

To start, I quickly and overconfidently ran through my off-the-top-of-my-head list of things I've done that could be considered a little scary:

Here is my list (with associated "my fear scale" 1-10 - 10 being the most scary)

1. Attended a private school with a class of less than 50 for 12 years (k-11) and then switched my senior year to a public school (class of 500), knowing practically no one.
Fear Scale For Me: 4

2. Backpacked around Europe for 2 months (half the time with a friend/ half the time alone)
Fear Scale For Me: 1.5

Trip included
- Bungee jumping off the then highest bungee in the world: Fear Scale For Me: 3
- Ice climbing: Fear Scale For Me: 2
- Para gliding: Fear Scale For Me: 1
- Traveling by train alone all over Europe: Fear Scale For Me: 1-5, depending on the moment (I had read some stories about people cutting out your liver to sell on the black market while you slept in a train compartment – so that would push me closer to 5)

3. Backpacked around Vietnam by myself
Fear Scale For Me: 7 first day/ 1-3 for the other 59 days

4. Traveled to Kabul, Afghanistan 5 months pregnant (with my husband)
Fear Scale For Me: 1.75 (it is a warzone after all)

5. Had a child with Down syndrome and was accosted with all the bad things that could happen (if you ever really want to scare yourself, skip the horror flick and try reading about potential health, developmental or social problems for people with Down syndrome)
Fear Scale For Me: 1-4 (I curtail most concerns by simply refusing to read anything about this - probably not the best way to be prepared, but certainly the easiest way to avoid the fetal position)

So at first I was a little proud of myself - thinking that in some instances throughout my lifetime I've managed to pull off a little fearlessness (probably closer to complete and utter stupidity). However, if I was to be completely honest, with age comes the explicit realization that mortality is but a breath away and inching closer every second.

In the spirit of candor, here is my List of Fears, broken into 3 categories:

1. Ultimate life-long fears
2. General ongoing fears
3. Every day fears

As much as I hate to admit any of this...

1. Ultimate life-long fears
- being tortured (I know, I know - why? why the torture? who knows? but I am very creative with the ways it can be done - it's not so much death that concerns me - but all the pain and suffering preceding). Fear Scale For Me: 11
- looking back on my life at age 80 and realizing I spent my time doing things that just didn't matter at all (a life led with no real purpose) Fear Scale For Me: 9.5
- loosing all my limbs and turning into a stump person (I can clearly visualize my husband pulling me around on skateboard at the grocery store) Fear Scale For Me: 9.75
- entering the Great Depression and never coming out of it (thank you economic downturn - this one includes being completely destitute on the street with no food, scrounging in dumpsters, and rags for clothing - take-away to the under the bridge warming their hands by the fire “ghost of Christmas future” scene in A Christmas Carol). Fear Scale For Me: 10

2. General ongoing fears
- horses (who is brave enough to ride these? Are they crazy? Helloooooo! Christopher Reeves!) Fear Scale For Me: 9
- not saving enough for retirement (boring fear – but oh, so scary) Fear Scale For Me: 9.25
- someone kidnapping my child and holding her in their backyard tent for 20 years (I tailor this according to current news stories) Fear Scale For Me: 11
- producing a very hairy teenager because I have not been vigilant enough with organic dairy products Fear Scale For Me: 8

3. Everyday fears (perhaps this would be better labeled worry – things I actually worry about every single day)
- not being as wise as we should be with our finances Fear Scale For Me: 8
- Jensen getting ran over by a car in the parking lot Fear Scale For Me: 9
- someone abusing my girls when I’m not around (I try to be around a lot without being a “hover mother”) Fear Scale For Me: 11
- not doing enough exercises with Emme and permanently ruining her development Fear Scale For Me: 10

Alright – so there you have it! The List.

So, to help with my research for this retreat – I’d like to request your help. Would you mind giving me some feedback on your fears? You can certainly submit your thoughts anonymously.

Visit www.karlandjulie.com/fear.asp to take the “Fear Itself” survey.