Crawling By Inches

If I can avoid public weeping – I do.

No one wants to see a grown woman cry– rebellious mascara, hair bedraggled, words unintelligible. It’s just awkward for everyone.

Last week I was discouraged, emotional and just plain broken-hearted. Have you ever been so sad you can barely talk without a scene – a Titanic size meltdown, complete with heaving sobs and the fetal position on the floor?

I’d rather skip the Oprah drama – ideal guest on the Dr. Phil show, if at all possible.

So I was praying and got nothing. A big fat ZERO. I begged God for a word from Him. Something. Anything.

Silence.

I rarely feel God speak to me something specific and direct. The last time it happened was when Emme arrived a little over two years ago. I was sitting in the NICU – next to my sweet daughter, born with Down syndrome, barely a few hours old. I was in shock and weeping.

As I sat and watched her breathe in the little incubator – I felt Jesus slip into the chair beside me – and with the biggest, most expectant smile He said, “How do you like my Gift?”

How could I not like my Gift after that? From that point forward, I could only see Emme as the best, most wonderful present.

So, back to last week.

I was broken – misunderstanding, accusation, pain.

I asked again for a word from the Lord. I felt He said to me, “Is a Word from me enough?”

I thought long and hard about that one.

Was it enough?

The answer was “No” - a Word from God was NOT enough.

Although it was what I was asking for and deeply, desperately wanted – I wanted a Word plus a few other things.

I wanted apologies… I wanted affirmation…I wanted understanding – all from other people.

He asked again, “Is a Word from ME enough?”

But it still wasn’t. I wanted it to be. I SO desperately wanted it to be. Afterall, this is what I had been telling my friends in Ocean View for a month now - to trust his Word - despite horrific circumstances. Did I really believe it for myself?

I said to Him, “It’s not enough…but I want it to be.”

Again He asked.

I was crawling toward Him by inches…the smallest increments of movement possible. I finally said, “It is enough...if you sustain me.”

There.

I said it.

It was all I had. I meant it, but still…nothing.

Perhaps a verse from the Bible? Nadda. A revelation? Zip. A visual in my mind from Him? Zilch.

It was 6 am – dark and quiet in our bedroom.

I hoped against hope that the Word would come later that day.

At that moment - Karl sat up in bed and said 9 words he has never spoken in the 10 years we’ve been together.

Karl said, “I have a Word of the Lord for you.”

I was astounded. I suppose I should not have been surprised, but I really was.

He said, “God wants you to know…your identity is in Him and no one else. He loves you, he’s proud of you and He’s smiling on you.”

Wow.

May I always find my identity only in Him – not in my husband, my girls, my projects, my friends, my plans, my work, my dreams, my successes, my failures. My, my, my…

Only in Him.

Most issues I have in life are a question of identity.

Do we KNOW that we are His? That we are loved? Truly loved? When the floor crumbles around us, the war wages against us, the nights are dark, and we can only crawl by inches – is He enough?

He MUST be!

He is all I have.

He IS enough.