My New Years Resolution - Kinda Like A Diet, But Not Really

So…I was getting dressed a few months ago and tried to put on my lucky pants.

The important point to note…is that I tried to put them on. If anyone ever starts a story with “trying” to put on a pair of pants – you know it can’t be good.

Most likely that person has been putting on pants for at least 20 or 30 some odd years. They should know how to do this. Clearly I do not.

It was immediately obvious to me that they had shrunk in the drier.

I thought…is it actually possible to shrink sweat pants and notice? Isn’t the main benefit the margin they allow? And it dawned on me…I had not washed those sweats in months. I began to slowly realize that there was the slightest, teeniest possibility that I had gained a few pounds. When you can’t fit into your sweat pants – things are looking very bleak.

For a moment I thought, “This is why people have New Years Resolutions! I’ll just stop eating!” I assume this could work very well – until I get hungry. And I get VERY hungry.

My friend Anne still tells the story of when we were back packing around Europe together, and I just HAD to have an entire rotisserie chicken, right there on the side walk – without any plates, napkins or utensils (apparently they don’t believe in these “extras” in Denmark). Just me and my rotisserie chicken. She’s still not over that one. It was unsightly, to say the least.

So back to my New Years Resolution Diet - I came up with an improved plan that included eating: just a burger (really, JUST the burger - not unlike that popular “all protein” diet which worked great for some of my friends.)

However, if you’ve ever tried it – you’ll quickly notice that plain burgers are quite, well, plain. So I decided I would just throw in the bun and call it my “protein and bun” diet (I never did understand why eating an entire T-bone steak and half a pig was better for you than a few tomatoes).

Now I was on a roll - I could "up the ante" with a WHEAT bun. After deciding to add the WHEAT bun…it became clear to me that the whole thing was going nowhere. I resolved then and there to throw in some cheese - low-fat cheese…that’s right… 1 %. Is there such a thing? There should be! I’m not going to go crazy with skim milk cheese or something insane like that. I don’t want to end up an anorexic. I considered going to diet-coke, just to cinch the deal…but decided against it. No point in taking things too far.

If it wasn’t for a little detail like moving to Africa in a month, I would seriously consider a gym membership. I could just picture it… after several weeks of no improvement…I’d realize that the membership was not good enough. I’d actually have to go.

So then I’d go, and be furious. The place would be packed. No place to park. I’d have to find some spot farrrrrrrrrr away from the front door. Which is very annoying…before my mile run – to have to park 22 spaces away from the door.

And once I finally got to the door – I’d realize my gym most likely would have a policy about showing a membership card (which I was destined to forget) and some other form of ID.

Which brings me to my main point - this bit about showing ID is ridiculous – don’t they say only 20% of people with gym memberships actually go? Do they really think with 80% of the people not going (and still paying for it)– that someone WITHOUT the membership is actually going to have the incentive to show up?

I dare that person. They could have my card. I’d switch to skim milk cheese.